LSD Cocktail

Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Nicotine Patch

A guy decides to quit smoking. He decides to use the nicotine patch, but thinks it looks ridiculous. Later in the week, he stands at a urinal beside his co-worker. The co-worker looks down and notices the man has a nicotine patch on his penis. Horrified, the co-worker says, "That's disgusting! Why in the world would you put a patch on your d**k?" The man replies, "Don't knock it -- I'm down to two butts a day."

Oh Marie

One day at church, John asked Marie out to dinner. She accepted and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner at a very nice restaurant. When they sat down, John said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint.  "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like to get high?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed a motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a hard U-turn and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John woke up first. He tenderly shook Marie and said, "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to drink or do drugs to have a good time.