Psychoanalysis

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and.. and... and you know, he's a married man!"

Funny Girl

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic.

How Fast is it?

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified   Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.  Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT'.  It just pops into your head.  There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. & 39;Hmmm ... let me see 'A blink'!  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened ... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer.  'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. & 39;Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch   When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'yes, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Louie.  'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'