Domestic Violence for the Deaf
I was recently charged with domestic violence and I won. It wasn't my fault - she never listened, always ignored me when I talked, and whenever I would flip her off, she would flip me off. That's the last time I date a deaf girl...
Deaf Men Won't Listen
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, "boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!" The other Buddy says "when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen." "How do you do that?" Says the other. "It's easy! I turn off the light!"
Chance to be Healed
A deaf man, a blind man and a disabled man heard a rumor that God came down to a mountaintop to solve people's problems. They all went to find out if it was true. God asked the deaf man, "Can I help you, son?" The man signed that he would be so happy if he could get his hearing back. God touched the man and suddenly he could hear. God then touched the blind man and he was able to see. The third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted. The man drew back and yelled, "Don't lay one finger on me. I'm on disability!"
Yard Work Sign Language
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, 'Where's the rake?' She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions. She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says, 'What?!' She says, 'I left tit behind the bush.'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen." On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen." On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."