The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Crosley, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Crosley said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Crosley, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Crosley demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
Q: How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water!
Pat and Mike
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see President Obama drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Obama asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Obama asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."