Male Assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.  He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.  Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!  I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.

Indulging in Habits

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die. Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead. Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

Sun Lakes

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Sun Lakes, an Arizona Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison, he says."
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single... ?!"