Q: What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
A: When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well, I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."
Condoms and Coffins
Q: What do condoms and coffins have in common?
A: They both hold stiffs
Q: Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can!
There were three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!" The next guy says, "Oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "Man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. It took me four days just to get the grin off her face."