FBI Want-Ads

The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal." The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream. The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. "Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her." The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. "I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!" The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.
They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. "I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy," he replies. The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. "Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife," FBI agent says, calmly. The man than replies, "I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids... she's just too important." The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.
Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room. Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face. "What did you do?" The man calmly replies, "The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!"

Top Ten Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher

10. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10 Forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell."  His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.
9. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
8. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."
7. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
6. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide.
5. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
4. On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
3. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.
2. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
1. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply any where. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.

Christmas Gifting

My wife asked me to get her "bath stuff" for Christmas.
I sure hope she likes her new toaster.