Two Blonde Jokes

Q: Want to hear two blonde jokes?
A: Listen to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.

Kardashian Refresh

Q: What do the Kardashians and a Buck have in common?
A: They both get a new rack each year.

Martha Stewart vs Me

• Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
• Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
• Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
• Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
• Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
• Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
• Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
• Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
• Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
• Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
• Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
• Martha's way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
• Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
• Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
• Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
• Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Leftover wine?
• Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
• Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
• Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.