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The best jokes and joke writers!

Frog Death

Q: How do frogs die?

A: They Kermit suicide!

Tiger Woods Mercedes

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"The Devil you say", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

Elvis Bite

Q: What did Elvis say after he was bitten my a vampire?

A: Fang you, Fang you very much!

Denzel

I met Denzel Washington once.

I kept yelling, "Hey, Denzel," and he kept saying, "I'm not Denzel, you fucking racist!" Oh man, classic Denzel.

Three Wishes

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass." The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."