The Husband on the Scale

A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to suck in his stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale, so she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It's the only way I can see the number on the scale!"

Bad Example

A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we're going to be talking about the tenses. If I say, I'm beautiful, which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

Tattoo Parlor

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks, "Do you do custom work?"
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!"