Things Dogs Must Try to Remember

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

New Born Puppies

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. Zohran Mamdani was on his morning run, and asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, "Socialist." Mamdani beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!" A few weeks later Mamdani was walking down the same street but this time he was with Bernie Sanders.  Zohran stopped at the boy's house, winked at Bernie and said, "Hey kid, what kind of puppies are in the box?" The boy said, "Republicans" Mamdani looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Socialists!" The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

A Nutty Dog

Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!