Animal Jokes - Cow Jokes

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm, and he'd found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow; it had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.They told him the story.

"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Q: Why did the farmer take his cow dancing?

A: He was in the mood for a milkshake.

Q:  Where do milkshakes come from?

A:  Excited cows!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.  Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.  When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation and he shot himself in the head. 

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead as well as the cow dead and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.  But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you. "The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.  Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.  The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."  And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.  There he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."  The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"  The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"  Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"