Cat Stalker

Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie. "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?" The third piggies says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

Cross-Eyed Dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm, not good," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
The owner was stunned, "Put him down just because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.