Airplane Jokes - Crash Jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.  At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.  The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.  Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.  When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.  When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.  He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.  He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!''

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.  The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees. "Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane." "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked. The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant orange panties." "Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I aint gonna wear no panties." "What No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. " Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 995, to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."