Profession Jokes - Other Doctor Jokes

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

30 things people actually said in court:

1. Q: What is your date of birth?  A: July 15th  

Q: What year?  A: Every year.

2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?  A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory  A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?  A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?  A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 years.

5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?  A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you? A:  My name is Susan.

6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?  A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo? A: We do.

Q: You do? A: Yes, Voodoo.

10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were you red and blue lights flashing?  A: Yes

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir

Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

15. Q: Did he kill you?

16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?

20. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys? A: none.

Q: Were there any girls?

21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: yes

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you? A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

25. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or female?

26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to? A: Oral

28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.

Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: Who's the coolest man in the hospital?

A: The hip replacement guy.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

Doctor: Maybe, what made them sick?

I went to the doctor...

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop-dead gorgeous brunette.

I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”

I said, “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”