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The best jokes and joke writers!

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor...

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor. "I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."

"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "You'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind."

"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms."

Ever Had This?

Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

Picasso Saves Sight for Sore Eyes

Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail. He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith- Eye Doctor, Free Consultation." Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway. After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed. After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said, "Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask." Mr. Picasso," the doctor replied "I only ask my usual fee of $100." "Well then," continued Picasso, "To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it." The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing. On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye. "Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of Picasso's greatest masterpieces." Picasso nudges the doctor and says, "Well, Sam, what did I tell you?" The doctor replies, "Its a good thing I'm not a gynecologist!"


The medical community is unable to reach consensus on how to replace Obamacare. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter. "The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.  

Doctor Visit

Q: What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby?

A: You're just going to have to be a little patient.