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The best jokes and joke writers!

Dr. Seuss Episode of ER

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER - -

Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great,  But. . . there are problems that can't wait!  Now Benton's fine, and Carter too,  But Ross and Susan just won't do!  Now who do you think that we should hire,  Since both of them today I'll fire? 

Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see. . .

Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree. . .

Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt. . . But the paramedics just pulled up.

Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?

Shep: This little boy has just been shot!  His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.  We did all we could to stop the leak.

Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip. . .

Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?

Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair,  So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.

Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three!  Doug and Susan! Come with me!

Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see?  We've got some more; one, two, and three.

Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell it all to me!

Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast.  A light turned red. Shep hit the gas.  We hit a car, it hit two more.  Soon the total rose by four.  Another bang! Another crash!  But we couldn't stay, we had to dash!  We grabbed these three but I am sure, The injured totaled sixty score!

Carter: These people really are a mess!  Their injuries I cannot guess!  It makes me sick, my knees are weak.  A toilet I must soon go seek. . .

Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes!  It doesn't get worse than this you know!  To Trauma four let's take these three.  You can do it, come with me!

Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table.  To save his life if we are able!

Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic!  I can't find a pulse. . . oh, wait I've got it!  But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!

Doug: Give him saline! IV push!  CBC, chem 7, stat!  We will save him, bet on that!  Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion!  Lydia, start a blood transfusion!

Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say.  The blood bank didn't come today!  We're out of blood, I can't believe!

Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)

Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash!  Someone's heart stopped with a flash  !But Dr. Benton saved the day, And Carter's going to be ok.

Susan: What can I do, where can I go?  I'm not incompetent you know!  I deserve a chance and with good reason, I only killed one guy last season!

Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok.  We're sending him up on his way.  To surgery he's off to go,They must sew up that bullet hole.  But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts. . .We had to take a dozen quarts.

Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all.I used a double breasted suture saw.  I closed them up, I fixed their ills.  I patched their wounds, I gave them pills.  I have their livers in this sack.  I did it all, behind my back.  I need more patients, give me more!  I just cured three, now give me four!

Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all?  I saw some blood. I took a fall.  But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!

Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!

Stitches

Q: When tying a knot, what causes suture material to break?

A: The jerk on the end of the line. Every time

Broken Legs

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself. Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg. The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain! So, how did you break YOUR leg??"

You Might Be An E.R. Doctor If...

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor If...

  1. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
  2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
  3. You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
  4. You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
  5. You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
  6. You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
  7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
  8. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
  9. You have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
  10. You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
  11. Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"

Baby Soon

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital, one hand on her back. A nurse asks her what’s wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.” The pregnant woman’s face contorts in pain as she shouts, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!” The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor. “Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.”