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The best jokes and joke writers!

Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant

10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he's just written "Huh?"

9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.

8. He tends to whimper and say, "Numbers are hard!"

7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.

6. He swears "umpteen" is a real number.

5. He checks off the box for "joint filing," then lights one up.

4. He keeps insisting, "No, you're wrong! They're due on August 15th!"

3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.

2. After every number on your tax form, he's written "or so."

1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.

Old Never Dies

Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance

Old accounts never die, they are deleted

Old actors never die, they just drop a part

Old alcholics/drug users never die, they just get wasted

Old anthropologists never die, they just become history

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver

Old architects never die, they just lose their structure

Old assets never die, they just depreciate

Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world

Old atoms never die, they just decay

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest

Old bankers never die, they just want to be a loan

Old baseball players never die, they just go batty

Old baseball players never die, they just run their last lap

Accountants and Engineers

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Where is the Accountant?

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.  His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

Spouse Insomnia

Q: If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure?

A: Ask the accountant to talk about their work.