I Have Bad News

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..." The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?" "You have Alzheimer's disease." "Good heavens! What's the good news?" "You can go home and forget about it!"

Pulled Over

It's Super Bowl Sunday and a man is heading home to watch the big game. As he passes under a bridge, a cop takes off after him and they both pull to the side of the road.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" "Gee, no, I thought I was doing the speed limit." "Well according to my radar gun, you were going 49 in a 45 zone."
Outraged by the fact that he just got pulled over for going 4 miles over the limit and the game was about to start, he begins to get visibly frustrated. "Oh come ON! You pulled me over for that? I have someplace I REALLY need to be."
The cop isn't impressed. "What, are you a doctor or something? Is someone dying?" "Funny you should mention that, because I am a doctor." "Really, now? What kind of doc are ya?" "Well, in simple terms, I'm an asshole stretcher." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, I stretch assholes."
"I'm sorry, but I don't see..." "Look, it's real simple. I take someone's asshole and stretch it little by little until it gets to about 6 feet wide." The cop, genuinely confused and shocked, asks: "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
"Well you give him a radar gun and stick him under a bridge."

Nude Painting

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door. "Nice butt, sister," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"