Some Fun Rules

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Yo Mama - Star Wars

Yo mama so hairy, when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said, "IT'S CHEWBACCA!"

Father Sets The Bar

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer. "Can I have one, Dad?" "Can your d**k touch your a**hole?" "No." "Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette. "Dad, since I can't drink, can I smoke one?" "Can your d**k touch your a**hole?" "No." "Then you can't have one." On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous. "You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?" "Can your d**k touch your a**hole?" "Yes." "Then go f**k yourself."