Measuring

I was laying in bed reading a book when my Dad walked in with a retractable metal tape measure.  When he got about five feet away from me he stopped and started pushing the tape out to me.  It got closer and closer till it eventually pokes me in the cheek.
I asked him, "What are you doing?"
Then Dad said, "I'm measuring your patience"

Cat Cereal

Q: What kind of cereal do cats eat?
A: Mice Crispies!

Vacation

"Just taken my wife to Maine"
"Bangor?"
"None of your fucking business"