Blighted Family Tree

A tree in our yard was terribly bothered by blight. We sought professional help and had a tree surgeon come to look at it. In his assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more concerned with the deep cracks in the bark.
"In fact," he said, "This tree's bark is worse than its blight!"

What Excites a Girl

Q: What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
A: The road to success!

Old Man's Miracle

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.