Telephone Jokes - Answering Machine Jokes

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

(From a machine at a college dorm:)  A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John.  f you are the phone company, I already sent the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." beep

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)  He-lo!  This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'"

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of  *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
• I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
• Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.
• I like to leave messages before the beep.
• I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish freak out I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
• I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
• I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. 

Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone, as well as the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call... Sorry. 

To scare off annoying liberals: Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... 

If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.