Technology Jokes - Computer Jokes
Old Computer
Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?
A: Loss of memory.
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter:ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Redneck Computer Terms
|Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Windows 2000 Errors Messages
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
- Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
- Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
- Close your eyes and press escape three times.
- Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
- Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
- This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
- Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
- COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
- CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
- File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
- Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
- Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
- WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
- User Error: Replace user.
- Windows VirusScan1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Cloud Watching
Q: What are clouds made of?
A: Mostly Intel based Linux servers.
