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The best jokes and joke writers!

Ever Been To Texas?

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor. "What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event. "I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. "When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."

New Theory of Language

The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

Girl from Texas

A Mexican,Honduran and a Texan girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "Our glasses are so cheap in Mexico we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Honduran, obviously impressed by this, drinks a beer and throws the glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Honduras, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The Texan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp and throws the glass into the air. She whips out her 45 and shoots the Mexican and the Honduran. Catching her glass and setting it on the bar, she calls for a refill and says, "In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." 

Texas Hooker

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas."  "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.  She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"  The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

Jump Out of the Plane

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.