Tiger Woods In Bed

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession. "I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man" she tells her new hubby. The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was. The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods. Since the only other person his new bride ever slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone."What are you doing?" asked his bride."I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!" The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband. Well we would do it again! "Okay!" says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired. So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone. The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!! "NO, says the exhausted hubby" "Well who are you calling then, she asks. "I'm calling Tiger Woods...I want to see what par is for this hole!

The Problem with Golf

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

Top 20 Timeless Golf Quotes

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
9. Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.~ H G Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.~ Lee Trevino