One More Beer
Text Msg to Wife: "I'm having just one more beer with guys after golf. If I'm not home in an hour, read this message again.”
A Double Bogey
A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple. On the first tee, the man hits his drive pretty deeply into the rough and after finding his ball, realizes that a maintenance shed is immediately in his line of sight for his next shot. He's about ready to chip back into the fairway when the other guy playing with him says, "Wait a minute. If we open the front and back doors of the shed, you can hit your 2 iron low and go right through the shed."
After eyeing this for a moment, the first guy takes his 2, lines up, hits a nice low shot which caroms off the side of the shed, hits his wife in the head and kills her!
Needless to say, the guy was devastated -- so much so that he gave up golf. After several years one of his old golfing friends talked him into playing again, telling him he had grieved enough and should really consider playing golf again -- he loved the game and his wife would have wanted it that way.
So he did go out to play, and as luck would have it, on the first tee he hit into the rough right in front of the same maintenance shed. Again he was about to chip into the fairway when his playing partner, not the same guy as before, said, "Hold on. We can open the doors of the shed and you can hit a low ball right through it."
The guy looked a bit wistful for a moment and then said, "No, I really don't want to do that. I tried that shot several years ago and took a double bogey on this hole!"
G-Spot And Golf Ball
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest, “Father, I have sinned; I was golfing yesterday and I cursed.” The priest replies, “Would you like to tell me about it?” “Well,” the guy says. “I was on the seventh hole, and I’d just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, and a long way out there. Feeling pretty good about myself, I walked toward my ball, but as I got within thirty feet of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball.” The priest interrupts, “Oh, I see, that’s when you cursed.” The man replies, “No, Father, I didn’t curse then. But as the squirrel was running away, it reached the edge of the fairway and was quickly caught by a hawk, which flew up high into the air.” Once again the priest interrupts, “So that’s when you cursed?” The man continues, “No, Father, the hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it dropped the squirrel out of its talons, causing the squirrel to drop my ball about three feet from the pin.” The priest says: "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt."
The F Word
A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word." The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven." The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation. "Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy. "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole. "The priest said, "Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!"