Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team. "It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents." Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days."
My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses. One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelry store under construction. Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace. As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop. Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy. Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes." Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"
The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce." "Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called... "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
The Grocery Store
A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.
The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Condom Size Test
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in Aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells, "Medium!" Mortified, the guy hurries over to pay and quickly leaves. Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in Aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" Embarrassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie. A few minutes later, Sophie yells, "Cleanup in Aisle 4!"