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The best jokes and joke writers!

Way to have FUN while shopping!

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...

  • Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"
  • Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".
  • When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"
  • Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
  • Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
  • Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
  • When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
  • Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.
  • Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.
  • Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares."
  • Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
  • Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)
  • Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, "I need tampons!"
  • Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

Early Training

Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team. "It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents." Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days."

Promised Treasures

My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses. One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelry store under construction. Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace. As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop. Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy. Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes." Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"


The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce." "Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called... "You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"

Condom Size Test

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in Aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch and yells, "Medium!" Mortified, the guy hurries over to pay and quickly leaves. Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie in Aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" Embarrassed, the kid says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie. A few minutes later, Sophie yells, "Cleanup in Aisle 4!"