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The best jokes and joke writers!

Boomerang

ME: I'd like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Rug Farts

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is."

The Signatures Match

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Adult Toy Shop

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!" He replies, "It's not for sale." The woman says, "Please I want that one," again he says it's not for sale. The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay. Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?" The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."

Way to have FUN while shopping!

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...

  • Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"
  • Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".
  • When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"
  • Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
  • Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
  • Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
  • When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
  • Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.
  • Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.
  • Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares."
  • Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
  • Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)
  • Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, "I need tampons!"
  • Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.