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The best jokes and joke writers!

Crowded Sale Day

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" 

Bra Shopping

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra. She said, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice and feels good."

I looked her in the eye and said, "I did."

You'll Never Hear a Man Say...

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

  • Here honey, you use the remote.
  • You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
  • Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
  • While I'm up, can I get you anything?
  • Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
  • Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
  • Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
  • Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  • We never talk anymore.

50 Things to do at Walmart

  1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and abandoning them at strategic locations.
  2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
  3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off in ten minute intervals throughout the day.
  4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
  5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
  6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
  7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
  8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
  9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
  10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
  11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
  12. Play with the automatic doors.
  13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!"  See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
  14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap anyway?".
  15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
  16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
  17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
  18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
  19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, Magic!"
  20. Put M&M's on layaway.
  21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
  22. Set up a tent in the camping department then tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
  23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
  24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
  25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin! To the Bat cave!"
  26. TP as much of the store as possible.
  27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
  28. Play with the calculators so that they spell "hello" upside down.
  29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?".
  30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling, "Red Rover!"
  31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
  32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
  33. Take bets on the battle described above.
  34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
  35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
  36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
  37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible"
  38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
  39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
  40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?".
  41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
  42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
  43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
  44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in electronics.
  45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
  46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
  47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
  48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream,"No,no! It's those voices again!"
  49. Pay off lay-aways fifty cents at a time.
  50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

If Radio Shack Made Toasters...

If Radio Shack made toasters, the staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.