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The best jokes and joke writers!

Perfectly Healthy

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

The Virgin of Ten Marriages

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!?!" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

  • "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.  He kept telling me how great it was going to be.  
  • Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
  • Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
  • Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
  • Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  • Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  • Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
  • Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
  • Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

Chill Out

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a  local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the  Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady,  trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.  Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Farmer's Boys

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter. "Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself. His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that." The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

Close Your Eyes

Q: Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex ?

A: Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!