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Sex Jokes
Sex Signals
Lisa complained to her friend Suzie how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband. "I know a simple trick,” Suzie said. “Whenever I want to have sex with Ralph, I gently put my hand on his dick and say, "Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?" And that's it! Works every time!
Lisa was impressed and said she would try it when her husband got home that night. When they met the next day, Suzie asked how it went. Lisa immediately started crying. “We’re getting a divorce!” she sobbed. “What? What happened?” Suzie asked concerned. “I tried to do your trick, but as I laid my hand on his dick, it was actually quite warm. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him, "Why isn't your dick cold, like Ralph’s?”
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Woman Visits the Therapist
A lady visits her therapist. "I think my husband is a son of a bitch." The therapist asks why she thinks that. She replies, "Well, he kisses me." The therapist kisses her and says, "I kissed you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." She replies, "Yes, but he feels me up." The therapist proceeds to feel her up. He returns to his seat and says, "I felt you up, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady replies, "But he -- you know -- has sex with me." So the therapist goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the therapist says, "See, I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch." The lady says, "Yes, but my husband has AIDS." The therapist says, "SON OF A BITCH."
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Been Messin' With The Waitress
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"
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