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The best jokes and joke writers!

Clinton Intern Guidance

Q:  What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Irish Toast

Bill O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Bill said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Bill!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Bill's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Bill won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Christmas Bridge

Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.

"Santa Claus??" exclaims the woman, "Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?" Asks Santa.

"Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned."

Santa replies, "Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone."

"My goodness!" exclaims the woman. "That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?"

"There is one thing... how about a blowjob?"

"Well... sure!"

The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit.

As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman "by the way, how old are you?" "I'm 27" replies the woman while wiping her mouth. "You're 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?" he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.

Free Drink Price

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we wont have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

Appropriate Penance

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?" Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church. "Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him. "Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!" "Joe, don't worry...I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!" So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen..."Bless me Father...I have sinned...I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys and go forth and sin no more." "Thank you, Father," replies the penetant.  Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned.  I have fornicated." Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back. "Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more." "Thank you, Father." Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned.  I have had oral sex." Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst...Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?" The boy replies..."A Snickers and a Coke. Why?"