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Sex Jokes
An Elderly Couple And Sex
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
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The Bobbitt Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep
And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn
I hope the dog that's running free, doesn't see that little part of me
Many precautions I must take, to keep this part I love to shake
Much attention I must pay, to assure I put the knives away
The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, why there's no telling what she'd do
To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm
So I cross my fingers as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
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Poetic justice
A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.
The witness: They were fucking your honor
The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:
The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear until tiny sounds came to my ear. There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where. If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there.
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