24 Hours to Live.
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other. After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there." A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there." As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?" "Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!
Have You Been Drinking?
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Jesus vs. Satan
One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge. Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC. When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on. On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank. Satan got really angry and complained to God. God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"
Caught Napping?...Try This One!
Just pick your head up real fast and say "...in JESUS' name...AMEN!"
Calling A Meeting
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified." After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."