Golfer's Explanation to God

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?" "Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." "So, that is when you took my name in vain?" "No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..." "Don't tell me you missed a god damn two inch putt!"

Cool Stud!

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

An Email From God!

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, he thought for a moment and said "Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good." God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?... Oh! You didn't get one either huh?