Heaven Playing Sports

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Harley Heaven

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God, Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!"

The Pearly Gates Computer

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does. Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food." The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit." Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes." A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it. A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."