Fertility Candle

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flanagan. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father..." They then parted ways.. 
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to  Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

Army of the Lord

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service."

The Pope

Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
A: Popeye beat the shit out of him!"