Finals Prayer

Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I will not flunk. But if I do, don't pity me at all, just lay my bones in the study hall. Tell my prof I did my best, then pile my books upon my chest. Now I lay me down to rest and pray I'll pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I'll have to take.

Angels When a Bell Rings

Every Time A Bell Rings, An Angel...

• Spit-polishes his halo
• Buys a maxi-pad with wings
• Drops out of a so-called "Choir of Angels" because that's really just a place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God's butt
• Orders a plate of "Hades Hot" Buffalo wings
• Drinks a little too much of Junior's blood and falls off a cloud
• Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band "Wings"
• Takes a heavenly crap
• Decides to reveal the Lord's majesty to the masses by appearing on some aluminum siding in east Texas
• Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
• Sits down for dinner
• Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
• Gets his union card
• Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
• Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic and deserving angel
• Tells a mortal, "Oh c'mon, jump already! I don't got all day!"

Buddhist pizza

Q: What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker?
A: "Make me one with everything."