Catholic Dictionary

• AMEN- The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
• BULLETIN- Your receipt for attending Mass.
• CHOIR- A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
• HYMN- A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
• RECESSIONAL HYMN- The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
• INCENSE- Holy Smoke!
• JUSTICE- When kids have kids of their own.
• PEW- A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
• RECESSIONAL- The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
• RELICS- People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
• TEN COMMANDMENTS- The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
• USHERS- The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Converted

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign that says, “Convert to Catholicism and Get $10.” One of the men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Abner, what’s going on?” “Caleb,” replies Abner, “I’m thinking of doing it.” After a moment, Abner decides. He strides into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. “So,” asks Caleb, “did you get your ten dollars?” Abner looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

Ethnic Pick Up

A man sits next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. He asks her what kind of men she is interested in. Her top three choices are American Indian men, Jewish men and Southern men. The woman asks the man what his name is. He smiles, "Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."