The guide to women

A man's guide to what a woman is really saying:

• I just need some space. - Without you in it.
• Do I look fat in this dress? - We haven't had a fight in a while.
• No, pizza's fine. - You cheap slob
• I just don't want a boyfriend right now. - I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
• I don't know, what do you want to do? - I can't believe you have nothing planned.
• Come here! - My puppy does this too.
• I like you but... - I don't like you.
• You never listen. - You never listen.
• I'll be ready in a minute. - I'm ready but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
• Oh, no, I'll pay for it myself. - I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
• Oh, yes!!! Right there!!! - Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
• I'm going out with the girls. - We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

She's Had the Best

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.

Note on the Fridge

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator, "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?