Paying the Price
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
The Australian Way
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced..."It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"
On the eve of her wedding, the bride- to- be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin. "No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference." She went ahead and followed her friend's advice. On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere. The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read: Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together. Goodbye darling.P.S: ...Your pussy is in the refrigerator!