One For The Mrs.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!"

Valentine Flowers

My dissapointed wife called me from her work phone the day after Valentine's Day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office received flowers yesterday. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they received flowers then."

Deere Dance

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."