In Good Hands?

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He yells; "Hey! You gave me the wrong key!"

Voodoo Dick

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. One day, the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos. "Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection." However, after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him. "Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here." And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?" "This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise." All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door." The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer. Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box." The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?" "Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family heirloom and is not for sale." "Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, okay." So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man. The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'. With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was beginning to tire and getting a bit sore. She realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. The woman got into her car and raced to the hospital. While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over. "Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer. "Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I don't know how to stop it." To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Lost Voice

"Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back!" "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."