Bad Choices

Boyfriend: if I killed someone would you tell on me?
Me: no, but I would use it against you all the time. Like, are you going to walk the dog or do I have to make a phone call?

Absent Minded Husband

Anniversaries and birthdays complicate my life. I'm an absent-minded husband . . . of a present-minded wife.

Jerks Get Attractive Wives

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ. "I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"