Uber Banking

Q: Is anything faster than electronic banking to move funds?
A: Yes, its called marriage.

The Male Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
Simple Duties:

• You make the bed (+1)
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
• You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
• But return with beer (-5)
• You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
• You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
• It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements:

• You stay by her side the entire party (0)
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
• Named Tiffany (-4)
• Who is a dancer (-6)
• And was Homecoming Queen (-8)

Her Birthday:

• You take her out to dinner (0)
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
• Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
• And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys:

• Go out with a pal (-5)
• And the pal is happily married (-4)
• Or frighteningly single (-7)
• And he drives a Lotus (-10)

A Night Out:

• You take her to a movie (+2)
• You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
• You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
• You take her to a movie you like (-2)
• It's called DeathCop3 (-3))
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

• You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question:

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
• You hesitate in responding (-10)
• You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Communication:

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned [removed]0)
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

Subjects For a Date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"