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The best jokes and joke writers!

Welcome Neighbor

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up. "Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. " "Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies. "It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!" "Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?" "Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"

Touring guide for Northerners Visiting the South

Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States.  If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

  1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
  3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
  4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
  5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
  6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
  7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
  8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
  9. Be advised that, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
  10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
  11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
  12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Leroy's Homework Assignment...

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.  Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playing poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

OMELET - Every time I start a new job, OMELET go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

Phone For Texas Aggie

Soon after the Texas Aggie clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When the Aggie returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news. "Shure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning." "Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?" "No," replied the Aggie. "I'll finish the day out." About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when the Aggie returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright. "Jezz, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned the Aggie. "That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"

Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.