Redneck One Liners Continued

You might be a redneck if...

• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
• You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
• Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Redneck Powerball

A Redneck buys a Powerball ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim his money and the clerk verifies his winning number. The Redneck says "I want my $524 Million." The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out over the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the clerk patiently explains that he would only get one million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the clerk, screams out, "I WANT MY MONEY! If you're not going to give me my $524 million 'right now,' THEN I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS BACK!"

Government Recipe

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."