White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "Mama, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Fast Thinking

An elderly  man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for  several years. He had  a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped  for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and  peach trees. One  evening the old farmer decided to go down to the  pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and  look it over.
He  grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some  fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard  voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he  came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young  women skinny-dipping in his  pond.
He  made the women aware of his presence and they  all went to the deep end. One of  the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out  until you leave!' The old man  frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the  pond naked.' Holding  the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the  alligator...'
Some old men can still think  fast..

Heavenly Fees

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, a master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's replied "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"