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The best jokes and joke writers!

I Am Beautiful

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "Mama, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Watch out!

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

Fast Thinking

An elderly  man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for  several years. He had  a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped  for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic  tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and  peach trees. One  evening the old farmer decided to go down to the  pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and  look it over.

He  grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some  fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard  voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he  came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young  women skinny-dipping in his  pond.

He  made the women aware of his presence and they  all went to the deep end. One of  the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out  until you leave!' The old man  frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you  ladies swim naked or make you get out of the  pond naked.' Holding  the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the  alligator...'

Some old men can still think  fast..

Talking Frog

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.

"Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!"

Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

"Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on.

The frog called out to him again, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."

Dad replied, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!"