Still Got It

An eighty-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. I think you might live forever. How old was your father when he died?” The eighty-year-old says, “Did I say he was dead?” The doctor is shocked. He asks, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?” The eighty-year-old responds again, “Did I say he was dead?” The doctor is astonished. He says, “You mean to tell me you are eighty years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive?” “Not only that,” says the old man, “my grandfather is 122 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time.” The doctor says: “After 122 years of being a bachelor, why on earth does your grandfather want to get married?” The old man looks up at the doctor and says, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Advantages of Older Women

1. An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?"
2. An older woman doesn't care what you think.
3. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
4. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.
5. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
6. Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
7. There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
8. Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
9. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.
10. An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
11. Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
12. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
13. Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
14. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
15. Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
16. An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
17. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
18. An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
19. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

The Ring

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."  At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said." The lady's
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and
said, "Sir...There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man..."But let me tell you about my weekend."